More of My Story
I don’t know if you can become a mother without thinking of your own mother in any and all ways. The way she mothered you - the things you’d change, the things you wouldn’t. Becoming a mother brings you to wondering, how was it like for my own mom when she went through all of these things? If you’re lucky, you can call her up, I wasn’t so lucky.
My mom had horrible pregnancies. She was so sick each time that she was hospitalized each time. She was pregnant 7 times. She lost three babies and had four. Growing up I always knew about this but at the same tim e she never really talked about it. My mom loved babies. She always spoke so fondly of our baby years, of breastfeeding us and of cloth diapers. She was a natural.
She is 31 in this photo, holding me.
She often talked about being present at the birth of her sister’s children. This stuck with me for some reason. Maybe because she and her sister spoke so tenderly and reverently about it. I thought she should become a birth doula! She would be so good at it. She had such empathy, quiet strength, tender enthusiasm and peaceful encouragement to offer. Because of this I often imagined my own births and my mom being by my side.
My mom was diagnosed with cancer in October 2019. In November 2019, my older brother and his wife had their first child. A girl. I was with my mom when she was born and my brother called her. Oh what a joyous moment that was. We’d waited all day for the call. Mom was getting ready for bed when he called and she was so happy, eyes filled with tears. I am so thankful I got to be there in that moment. I cherish it. My niece brought so much light and joy into a very dark time. Seeing my mom become Oma was so beautiful.
I started to think of babies myself. I started to talk to my mom a little bit about it. About how I was scared that she wouldn’t be there. I asked her if should still try and she said I should. But I was so scared. Mom was so sick and I was trying to take care of her and make sure she was ok and comfortable. I knew it was bad but I didn’t ever think she would leave us and so soon. In March 2020, she left us. All of us, my siblings, my dad and one of her sisters were there, surrounding her. I honestly still cannot believe she is gone.
Just like my mom, I also had horrible pregnancies. I was also so sick and hospitalized each time. I didn't have any friends who were sick like I was. It was so hard to endure all the puking and endless days in bed. I wished I could talk to my mom.
I’m 31 in this photo, holding my daughter in the same blanket my mom held me in. I clung to little things like this.
I birthed without my mom. I never imagined that I’d have to do that. My first birth was extremely long and painful because I was scared to do it without her. I didn’t want to do it without her. I needed her more than I ever needed her. I needed her empathy, quiet strength, tender enthusiasm and peaceful encouragement
My second birth went much quicker. I think because I had a moment of surrender when I cried out for my mom, saying how much I needed her and I cried hard - a release. My son was born minutes after this. I’ve needed my mom everyday. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of her and wish I could talk to her. Postpartum is such a vulnerable time. It’s not just the days and weeks right after birth. I have not felt like myself for 6 years. Yes, grief has been a massive part of it, but birth and motherhood are so complex within themselves and I have never needed my mom more. Someone to love me through this; to hold me through this; to take care of me through this.
Being a mom without a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done.I know I will feel this way for always. Because there are always new things we encounter as our kids grow and I will always be wishing I had mom my to call.